Bundle of thoughts that never came to light.

purpose. 5th Jan 2011; 8.29am.
It's been a very long time since i last posted, well let's cut to the chase shall we?
Firstly i came here to blog instead of leaving messages in my FB account is because i wanna avoid having too much attention as FB really helps broadcast your messages too fast sometimes. hahas. Plus i feel more comfortable writing my thoughts here, it gives me more time to process what's on my mind and it's a place where people read & understand your feelings. I'm not that focused in wanting attention either, just somewhere to leave my thoughts be.

the mind. 8.38am.
Recently i came to realise (as much as i want to maybe not admit) perhaps maybe i'm just too quiet and i think too much for my own good.. When it comes to the girl i'm interested in, i always tend to read too much hints or rather, i put all of the hints into consideration. I stay too focused on the details and kept deriving with all kinds of possibilities of what's she's thinking and why.

I was too preoccupied on reading on every hints take she make, and as well as those she may not. Often i feel that most of them are just plain delusions, bringing myself into a situation where i put fort too many theories into the issue where only one can be true.. I'm often confused and at the end i couldn't choose.

plain english?
hahas okok enough of literature; i'm just practically confused right now, i keep trying to read her but i can just never find where i stand in her heart. There was a few times i could clearly see where i stand whenever we come to that topic randomly; i saw myself as a buddy. But passively, when i'm with her i feel that we could be more. sighs, i know it's cheating to be able to read minds telepathically, but for once i just want to see where i stand in your heart. :)

confession in the midst of confusion; 9.02am.
The girl i'm writing this too may never get the chance to read my blog, or maybe i changed my feelings towards someone else instead again, realy i wouldn't know. It's a big risk, creating future irritation in my relationship life; but for now i want to say it for you.

I don't know, seen as a flirt most of the times because of my long long history of relationships, but they always forget the details that it was all short-lived, that maybe because i was too soft, and maybe i never knew what was wrong between the relationships i had, and that i was always looking for love in all the wrong places, and that i couldn't find someone who truely feels the same. But anyway, back to my thoughts for her.

Many a times i try to fit into your life, gave everything i could to you, always trying to be part of your life. Without notice, i soon realise that i always set high hopes that maybe you'll see my efforts shine and read my hints instead.. inevitably fall from each disappointment that uou miss the hints and get hurt each time. My heart has always been brittle, ever since i couldn't find someone to settle down with.

As much as i want to be able to hold that responsibility, i know your life is as difficult, and that i maybe more privileged than you.. But this makes me all the more motivated to be by your side, offering all my time for you whenever you need. Just count the number of times i said no to your requests and you'll understand. :)

But it's just so sad to me sometimes, i feel that i was born too early for you, i feel that i am too old for you, that we could never become a item at all. The more i think about it, the more i realise so much incompatibility you might feel towards me..

But i guess our thoughts would hardly have the chance to come into the same idea. Her life now is getting complicated by the minute, and i am patiently waiting for a time to fill your painful gap and love you in my own special way.. But I'm always very afraid that i may miss or even never have the opportunity at all.

I will never know if one day you might come to understand how i feel about you, i can only pray because i'm too much a coward to confront and confess to you.. And further more i keep seeing a brittle side of you; like a little angel with broken wings, you felt too precious that i did not want to stress you any further in your troubled life.

I feel so discouraged and hurt that i couldn't let you understand how i feel about you now, and i don't know what to expect in return from you as well.. In simple terms i just want to have someone that i could tell my love for and she would feel the same..

My heart is in a mess, and maybe it's not that far like yours too. hahas.
But i think i'm in a confused state now because i don't understand where i stand in your heart.. i read every detail you make and try too much into figuring out myself the answer, never able to come into a solid conclusion of your feelings towards me.

It's like a mystery that i couldn't solve. I just wish that you could just tell me straight when i ask you directly, but i keep fearing of you thinking i am weird again, eventually avoiding and receiving the silent treatment again..

to make you feel my love, 10.11am.
All i ask is a simple girl that i could make her feel my heart with,
to share that bond that i always hoped for and would never abandon.
She'll always be on my mind, and she's that girl i want
to spend my precious time with every time.
She's a girl that i'd say mussy stuff & tease her,
just to catch a glimpse of her sweet smile and hear her cute giggle.. :)
She's also someone I'd always say words to her, to make her feel so special,
always letting her know how important she is to me in my life.
She's one that i would never let go no matter what happens,
and it's one relationship i'd never, never end.
But still, never stop trying to make you feel happy is all i hoped for..
"so, would you be that special girl? "
It's an answer that i'd never know.