I want things the way it was used to be.

It is just so, so heavy to hold those mask of smiles.
I feel so broken. When can i get well again?

she said i have that desire to dwell in sorrows and now i'm finding it true.
I must find back the old me, the older me which never keeps the tears but counts the blessings. This is the message i need to hold n close now.

you're the only one who can read this now, and there's so much to tell but i am just not matching up to you anymore, i find it so hard to be like we used to. Something did happened recently and it changed my life forever.

Right now, i am weakening, in spirit. i feel as though i can lose the older me anytime, soon. Sometimes i get nights when i feel utterly vunerable, I slipped in deep thoughts and become comepletly unstable, confused, heartbroken, for hours through the night.

My will is much stronger now, but i feel the tension with my emotions lying on a thin, gold thread; i don't know when i'm going to break.

Once you told me that i meant almost as if nothing to you, all except a math study buddy and teacher. Now i wonder if it is still the same but i fear the answers, and i fear slipping again more.

It is not about infactuation, love or what not; it has already become more than those. once you told me you'll be the lit candle on the other side of the tunnel, but every reaction or inaction i get makes the tunnel seemed longer.

Was all those memories for naught? Why do i remember them? Why do i question them? countless things i wanted to know, but when the opportunity comes i couldn't say a word. I'm speechless.

If i write another sentence i know i will slip again. I wish to, but i can't tell you to treat me like those you cared equally.. because i was always there for you and i understand how you would feel. Obligations is not a thing i want. I want what you want, whatever that makes you happy, but i see history repeating itself, and it horrfies me.

I don't know what to expect from reading this, but all i wish it can be just another post you would forget, and we still live our lives the way we used to.

Perhaps things might change, perhaps things will get better.
The last thing i would want is you to get affected as well because i know best how easily you could be by everything around you.

Perhaps that's the reason why i always keep things from you, why i can never open my heart to you. Lets just leave these ramblings as it is,
another page just left to be forgottened.