I want things the way it was used to be.

It is just so, so heavy to hold those mask of smiles.
I feel so broken. When can i get well again?

she said i have that desire to dwell in sorrows and now i'm finding it true.
I must find back the old me, the older me which never keeps the tears but counts the blessings. This is the message i need to hold n close now.

you're the only one who can read this now, and there's so much to tell but i am just not matching up to you anymore, i find it so hard to be like we used to. Something did happened recently and it changed my life forever.

Right now, i am weakening, in spirit. i feel as though i can lose the older me anytime, soon. Sometimes i get nights when i feel utterly vunerable, I slipped in deep thoughts and become comepletly unstable, confused, heartbroken, for hours through the night.

My will is much stronger now, but i feel the tension with my emotions lying on a thin, gold thread; i don't know when i'm going to break.

Once you told me that i meant almost as if nothing to you, all except a math study buddy and teacher. Now i wonder if it is still the same but i fear the answers, and i fear slipping again more.

It is not about infactuation, love or what not; it has already become more than those. once you told me you'll be the lit candle on the other side of the tunnel, but every reaction or inaction i get makes the tunnel seemed longer.

Was all those memories for naught? Why do i remember them? Why do i question them? countless things i wanted to know, but when the opportunity comes i couldn't say a word. I'm speechless.

If i write another sentence i know i will slip again. I wish to, but i can't tell you to treat me like those you cared equally.. because i was always there for you and i understand how you would feel. Obligations is not a thing i want. I want what you want, whatever that makes you happy, but i see history repeating itself, and it horrfies me.

I don't know what to expect from reading this, but all i wish it can be just another post you would forget, and we still live our lives the way we used to.

Perhaps things might change, perhaps things will get better.
The last thing i would want is you to get affected as well because i know best how easily you could be by everything around you.

Perhaps that's the reason why i always keep things from you, why i can never open my heart to you. Lets just leave these ramblings as it is,
another page just left to be forgottened.

Bundle of thoughts that never came to light.

purpose. 5th Jan 2011; 8.29am.
It's been a very long time since i last posted, well let's cut to the chase shall we?
Firstly i came here to blog instead of leaving messages in my FB account is because i wanna avoid having too much attention as FB really helps broadcast your messages too fast sometimes. hahas. Plus i feel more comfortable writing my thoughts here, it gives me more time to process what's on my mind and it's a place where people read & understand your feelings. I'm not that focused in wanting attention either, just somewhere to leave my thoughts be.

the mind. 8.38am.
Recently i came to realise (as much as i want to maybe not admit) perhaps maybe i'm just too quiet and i think too much for my own good.. When it comes to the girl i'm interested in, i always tend to read too much hints or rather, i put all of the hints into consideration. I stay too focused on the details and kept deriving with all kinds of possibilities of what's she's thinking and why.

I was too preoccupied on reading on every hints take she make, and as well as those she may not. Often i feel that most of them are just plain delusions, bringing myself into a situation where i put fort too many theories into the issue where only one can be true.. I'm often confused and at the end i couldn't choose.

plain english?
hahas okok enough of literature; i'm just practically confused right now, i keep trying to read her but i can just never find where i stand in her heart. There was a few times i could clearly see where i stand whenever we come to that topic randomly; i saw myself as a buddy. But passively, when i'm with her i feel that we could be more. sighs, i know it's cheating to be able to read minds telepathically, but for once i just want to see where i stand in your heart. :)

confession in the midst of confusion; 9.02am.
The girl i'm writing this too may never get the chance to read my blog, or maybe i changed my feelings towards someone else instead again, realy i wouldn't know. It's a big risk, creating future irritation in my relationship life; but for now i want to say it for you.

I don't know, seen as a flirt most of the times because of my long long history of relationships, but they always forget the details that it was all short-lived, that maybe because i was too soft, and maybe i never knew what was wrong between the relationships i had, and that i was always looking for love in all the wrong places, and that i couldn't find someone who truely feels the same. But anyway, back to my thoughts for her.

Many a times i try to fit into your life, gave everything i could to you, always trying to be part of your life. Without notice, i soon realise that i always set high hopes that maybe you'll see my efforts shine and read my hints instead.. inevitably fall from each disappointment that uou miss the hints and get hurt each time. My heart has always been brittle, ever since i couldn't find someone to settle down with.

As much as i want to be able to hold that responsibility, i know your life is as difficult, and that i maybe more privileged than you.. But this makes me all the more motivated to be by your side, offering all my time for you whenever you need. Just count the number of times i said no to your requests and you'll understand. :)

But it's just so sad to me sometimes, i feel that i was born too early for you, i feel that i am too old for you, that we could never become a item at all. The more i think about it, the more i realise so much incompatibility you might feel towards me..

But i guess our thoughts would hardly have the chance to come into the same idea. Her life now is getting complicated by the minute, and i am patiently waiting for a time to fill your painful gap and love you in my own special way.. But I'm always very afraid that i may miss or even never have the opportunity at all.

I will never know if one day you might come to understand how i feel about you, i can only pray because i'm too much a coward to confront and confess to you.. And further more i keep seeing a brittle side of you; like a little angel with broken wings, you felt too precious that i did not want to stress you any further in your troubled life.

I feel so discouraged and hurt that i couldn't let you understand how i feel about you now, and i don't know what to expect in return from you as well.. In simple terms i just want to have someone that i could tell my love for and she would feel the same..

My heart is in a mess, and maybe it's not that far like yours too. hahas.
But i think i'm in a confused state now because i don't understand where i stand in your heart.. i read every detail you make and try too much into figuring out myself the answer, never able to come into a solid conclusion of your feelings towards me.

It's like a mystery that i couldn't solve. I just wish that you could just tell me straight when i ask you directly, but i keep fearing of you thinking i am weird again, eventually avoiding and receiving the silent treatment again..

to make you feel my love, 10.11am.
All i ask is a simple girl that i could make her feel my heart with,
to share that bond that i always hoped for and would never abandon.
She'll always be on my mind, and she's that girl i want
to spend my precious time with every time.
She's a girl that i'd say mussy stuff & tease her,
just to catch a glimpse of her sweet smile and hear her cute giggle.. :)
She's also someone I'd always say words to her, to make her feel so special,
always letting her know how important she is to me in my life.
She's one that i would never let go no matter what happens,
and it's one relationship i'd never, never end.
But still, never stop trying to make you feel happy is all i hoped for..
"so, would you be that special girl? "
It's an answer that i'd never know.

Just direct me.(old post)

Just tell me what to do & i'll do anything, if it's for you.
Because i've always believed in you even if it's just a bluff or a prank;
because i never want to stop believing in you.
I trust you, i always do, you know that,
and so much more i have for you..
I want to uphold my words,
to bring you to places where i told you i would, to make you happy. :)
I will keep trying, even if the next 3 years would to prove fruitless, i will wait for you.

The Change.

"Did i lose it all?
or was there even anything to lose in the first place?

I am so disheartened.. i just can't keep the negative thoughts out. I know all the more you would feel more disappointed at me for feeling so, but it's really just me. you once told me that you don't like to change because it's just who you are. I am but trying to change, it's not easy. Many a times i would feel so lonely, i always hoped to find glimpse of joy in my life from you, even if it's the smallest of things, that would put a smile right up. Nothing else could bring me up any higher than the little things you do, even if i wasn't in the picture.

Why. Why has Language need to be that barrier that makes me feel so out casted? Why couldn't i just not feel anything and submit totally to you? Why must i think so much? Why didn't i try even harder to understand your thoughts? Why did i even misinterpret your intentions? Why Did i Even Not Stop Myself From Sending you That Last Text That Night?

Why. Why did i ever put that word in my last text.
I did intended to use an alternative.
Why am i taking everything so seriously?
Because i was always serious about you.
Why Didn't i send you the draft sms i made last night to you today?
Because i didn't dare, everything just feels like it's crumbling apart.
Why did things always fall apart?
maybe it's just because i think too much which resulted me to often misleading myself and misinterpreting stuff....
Why, Why aren't you even crying now?
Because i'm hurt so much, hurt so much that i lose my soul to even cry for myself.
Why are you posting this? Don't you know it'll only make matters worse?
It's simply because i wanted you to know, but you know i would forget."
All those thoughts went away when i saw your text reply a minute ago.
Don't you see the impact you have in me? I was able to cast them away just because i got to know you still chose to reply me. You're that source that drives me, that fuel's my soul, had always been since the first time i liked you.

Up until now i've never changed my stand, it has always been the same since it first began; 3 years is a long year. You told me that what if you don't accept me even after graduation, you hinted me that the future is unpredictable, and it could mean it would happen so. But i chose to motivate myself and remain firm on my stand to not let the chance pass, even if it's just a needle in the ocean. I want to try, even if it's a no for an answer since the very beginning, i want to try.. to get back to those close moments which i never forget.

I want to do all those things i've said that i would do for you, i want to serenade to you once more and even more professional before.. i want to realise that i can Love you and break open those shackles within me that binds me down by all the failures i ever had. I want A relationship that never breaks, one that lasts long and never ends. I want to love you all my life, happilly and tenderly, romantically if i ever had to be.

But more importantly, i want you to be happy, that's my first and forever will be first priority to acheive it for you.. Even if it means that we would never to be together, if that's what's happiness is to you i would freely give it to you, i would willingly give you anything, you know that don't you?

Don't you know that I even believed though i already knew it's a lie, i would genuinely to put my trust in you, because i never want to stop believing in you as i let my heart decide than my mind to judge you, because i never want to do that to you. Even if it's bluffs or pranks, i would believe in you, always.

MI TRANSCENDENCE. :D + thoughts.

ok. here to post because someone just told me to
cause she won't sleep until i post something for her to read about yesterday.
lol. here goes. :I

*lets start with the good stuff first bah. :D

21st may, MI TRANSCENDENCE. time now: 1.07am
YES. that day was a big day for
the Flaming Rambutans as they played their piece.
Us performing "Don't stop Believing" by Journey on Centre Stage,
seats filled with friends and families who came down to our school
to watch MI Transcendence2010 in Millenna institute in the evening.

crew:
Claudia was our main singer, Terry as the melody pianist,
Randon as main guitarist and lastly me as the bass.

behind the curtains.
To realise the excitement that we're going to perform on stage, in front of a full house centre stage filled with people just made us all the more nervous. all of us were chewing on sweets just to claim ourselves for our act next as we hid behind the curtains watching as Sara who was performing before us came to a close end of her piece on piano.

Claudia, Randon & i were all so anxious about our turn; we were all ready with our guitar stripped on our shoulders with the sound cable dangling, waiting to be plugged in for our play. terry was on the other side of the stage hidding behind the curtains too, waiting for Sara to exit so we could all come in and quick set up our guitars and begin our play.

Not long after, we had the sounds of the audience's applause, which marks the end of Sara's piece, alerting us its our turn now and also reminding us of how huge the crowd is that we were going to perform to next. all of us readied ourselves and went in from the sides, personally i didn't dared to look at the audience and just hurried to set up our instruments.

position.
I was taking the bass guitar piece, in which i was pretty worried i'll mess it up again during the play because i know i did during rehearsals and that i couldn't perfect it yet. My amplifier was right at the centre back so i was positioned right at the centre of the stage to perform, which means i had my own spotlight right next to Claudia's. I don't know just how many people were watching me at the point of time. lol. so i kept my head low and didn't dared to take a peep at the audience.

Music began, i could hear Randon's pluck counts coming in, which means 2 more cycles who be Claudia and my entrance to play, i looked left and right for the band's composure and steadied myself for the last time, to hit the right time for my entrance. First note cycle played through, unknowingly i glanced up to see the audience for the first time in this dark hall.

It was one of the most beautiful sight i could never expect to see.
Seats all filled on each succeeding rows of the pitch black hall, each one holding up colourful glowing sticks in their hand, all waving back to us as we played our intro. i've never got the chance to perform and see for myself hundreds of "illuminated", excited audience cheering back at us. It was as if we were watching and playing for fireflies in the cooling night hall, only that the voices from the audience kept pulling me back to reality that we're still performing. :p

As Claudia entered with her voice into the play, we could all hear in the background cheers coming from the audience going mad and people behind the curtain supporting us. And as we all played on, the sense of nervousness began to diminish as we start to remember why we love to play music, that joy that we almost forgot when we were all so clouded by our anxiety.

This was thrill to perform, and i'm sure we would never forget how it feels to do our play in front of so many audience, all listening to the music we played for them. :D

end of transcendence 2010 thoughts.
Hmmm. that's roughly all i could remember. and on a note its quite sad to see everyone had their friends and loved ones who came down and became part of the audience amond the fireflies.. and at the end had people to talk to after the end of the transcendence.
hahas, how i wish i had people to go to after the end of everything..
Claudia even got a big Sun Flower when we ended our play.
that's so awesome lah. :D

Oh wells. maybe i might have better response next year, or maybe i might have someone special supporting me next year. lol, i wouldn't know, lets see whether i manage to get through auditions again next year first. :)
sighs, still hoped you could be there. too bad you had curfew. :I
yesterday: 1.07am
hmmm. well. here's the not so nice stuff i guess. hahas. i know you'll be reading this so this part of the post here can be a little message-like, but i'll try not to spoil it too much. hahas. :)
(still editing, after i get my haircut now. BRB! ;p imcomplete.)

new posts, new me.

Hey people its been quite a while. :)
actually near a year to be exact. lol.
Hmmm. Reason i started blogging again well, yeah i guess its just somewhere i like sorting my mind out. hahas. well, just to give a summary of the current me:

-Repeated my year 1 for MI.
_(no regrets. :D )
-Last year for hockey A-Div.
_apparently too old; next year only allows 1991 and above only. :P
-More updates i'll fill it in when i have
_the time if not usually a new post. LOL. :D
_*somethings just never change do they?* :)


the reason. 1.37am
Anyways. Mainly i'm here because i couldn't post things on facebook cause it draws too much attention? haha. oh well. keep it to yourself & me people. :)

Hmmm. Basically i just maybe realised something that it could be why things are always happening as it is; and this something is one question i have been wanting to ask myself for a very long long time. I never could comprehend why situations always ends up like the way it was not until the simple thought just flew into my mind.
Something just so hard and i never could find the answer to just got blown away by a simple thought: maybe its just that you don't have appearance for people to simply believe you had.

Ha. For all those times which i felt so hurt, got so easily answered in the eye's of a child.
Well. Things are the way it is or maybe i could be just wrong in my conclusion.
But, honestly i don't know. However that logic fits well to past experiences i guess. hahas. :p

However, I haven't given up yet.
Patience is a virtue; and i'm going to wait.
For how long i wouldn't know;
But for where it stops is when
i know the avalanche has been transformed
into a precious, cute snow field. :D
A place where she can build her snowman. :)
now. 1:56am
Back to homework. Ganbette!

maintainance.

( O_O) blog is under going maintainance.. will take 'some' time before i'll post anything i guess. :/

need to change for school now.. chal people. =)