The Change.

"Did i lose it all?
or was there even anything to lose in the first place?

I am so disheartened.. i just can't keep the negative thoughts out. I know all the more you would feel more disappointed at me for feeling so, but it's really just me. you once told me that you don't like to change because it's just who you are. I am but trying to change, it's not easy. Many a times i would feel so lonely, i always hoped to find glimpse of joy in my life from you, even if it's the smallest of things, that would put a smile right up. Nothing else could bring me up any higher than the little things you do, even if i wasn't in the picture.

Why. Why has Language need to be that barrier that makes me feel so out casted? Why couldn't i just not feel anything and submit totally to you? Why must i think so much? Why didn't i try even harder to understand your thoughts? Why did i even misinterpret your intentions? Why Did i Even Not Stop Myself From Sending you That Last Text That Night?

Why. Why did i ever put that word in my last text.
I did intended to use an alternative.
Why am i taking everything so seriously?
Because i was always serious about you.
Why Didn't i send you the draft sms i made last night to you today?
Because i didn't dare, everything just feels like it's crumbling apart.
Why did things always fall apart?
maybe it's just because i think too much which resulted me to often misleading myself and misinterpreting stuff....
Why, Why aren't you even crying now?
Because i'm hurt so much, hurt so much that i lose my soul to even cry for myself.
Why are you posting this? Don't you know it'll only make matters worse?
It's simply because i wanted you to know, but you know i would forget."
All those thoughts went away when i saw your text reply a minute ago.
Don't you see the impact you have in me? I was able to cast them away just because i got to know you still chose to reply me. You're that source that drives me, that fuel's my soul, had always been since the first time i liked you.

Up until now i've never changed my stand, it has always been the same since it first began; 3 years is a long year. You told me that what if you don't accept me even after graduation, you hinted me that the future is unpredictable, and it could mean it would happen so. But i chose to motivate myself and remain firm on my stand to not let the chance pass, even if it's just a needle in the ocean. I want to try, even if it's a no for an answer since the very beginning, i want to try.. to get back to those close moments which i never forget.

I want to do all those things i've said that i would do for you, i want to serenade to you once more and even more professional before.. i want to realise that i can Love you and break open those shackles within me that binds me down by all the failures i ever had. I want A relationship that never breaks, one that lasts long and never ends. I want to love you all my life, happilly and tenderly, romantically if i ever had to be.

But more importantly, i want you to be happy, that's my first and forever will be first priority to acheive it for you.. Even if it means that we would never to be together, if that's what's happiness is to you i would freely give it to you, i would willingly give you anything, you know that don't you?

Don't you know that I even believed though i already knew it's a lie, i would genuinely to put my trust in you, because i never want to stop believing in you as i let my heart decide than my mind to judge you, because i never want to do that to you. Even if it's bluffs or pranks, i would believe in you, always.